I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my
children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree
on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out
over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my
son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between
cycles, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18
years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the breeze;
but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle
in the grocery s tore.
I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.
If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television
that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, “Yes,
Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don’t
fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the
use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting “Don’t eat in
the living room” and “Take your hands off your brother,”
because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be
heard by the dog.
If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would
be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house
without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized
crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and
come in and dry off so you don’t catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don’t eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, MOM…!
P.S. One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa. (Author Unknown)