Have you ever been struggling with something, but not really not know exactly what it is. For me it took listening to a message on the computer to be able to bring my jumbled thoughts together. When Shalee wrote her post here about
loneliness has become an unwelcomed guest in my heart, and I don’t know how to properly evict it and all its belongings.
I told her that was a post I could have written lately. But I could not pin point where it was coming from. Yes, it was end of summer blues, it is hot, etc..
Today I have come to realize that the lack of community is getting to me. I am not talking about blog world/computer world; I am talking about real life here. Let me ramble here and maybe I will find the point.
I use to teach women’s bible study; actually I taught two different times. I use to be active in Middle School group, but stepped down due to several factors. Manly man and I attended Sunday School regularly, we were in the Pastors Sunday School class. Well something happened, my pastor was caught in sin and he suddenly had to leave. That alone was crushing, but it also took us out of the class. The Sunday school class was dismantled and we are expected to join another class. Manly man and I have not. We have only been attending “big church” while the kids are in Sunday school, and then we go home.
Part of me is not excited about the other classes offered, that is not the church’s fault I think the problem lays in my attitude. The only women who I have connected to at the church is the older women, I think that is why I liked the Pastor’s class so much. I find it difficult to connect with the women my own age. I know I may be part of the problem.
When I had surgery, it was the older women who reached out (even though many younger ones knew about it). When I was new to the church it was the older women who made me feel welcomed. When I try to reach out to women in my own age group, I get the nice pat pleasantries but nothing more. No depth. I have tried to reach out to women to try to attend the women’s conference, but it is only “we will see” and they attend/room with someone else. The only way to go to these events would be to attend by myself, people are nice but they have their own friends they attended with.
I am a person who likes to form deep friendships, but many of the things at church are superficial. My closest friend at the church about a year ago left to attend another church. I really like the youth group at my current church, and I have to admit that is why I am staying. But even there I am struggling. I realize as I say all this, I want you to realize I know I am not free of blame here.
There were a few incidents during the mission trip my oldest son went on, my son was at fault. Nothing major, but it came to light the struggles I am having with raising a teenager. I think I feel more shame then support from the church. No, a person did not “shame” me, but agreed with me that my son was acting out. I explained that is why he has not been going to middle school youth group, and they said “they understood.” Now after making a comment like that, what support should I expect from a church?
In all honesty I really don’t know. Maybe that is what is at fault, my expectations. I truly like the people, they have a heart for God….but. That is what I am dealing with is the….BUT.
I think the one thing I am missing is encouragement and rebuking. I think we need to love people encourage them, but we also need someone that knows us so well that they can take you aside and say “what are you doing?” This is a person that can say, “you know how much I love you, but I see this happening.” Not that I think there is some great sin in my life that needs to be pointed out, but there is that lack of closeness and it frustrates me. There is only one person in my life that I know that can do that, and that is my sister. I know if she says, “Hey I think you are messing this up.” I may get my feelings hurt but I know that I better listen once I get over my feelings of being called on the carpet. Why are there not more people in the church like that? Maybe it is just me.
Why when you are raising teenagers you feel more embarrassed then supported? I think that is where my loneliness is coming from and I am not sure what to do about it. I think that is why I tried to be more active in the church, but my kids schooling has not made that possible. I have one child that goes to tutoring during the week, etc. So it is making it almost physically impossible to be more active. So that is maybe why I am in the season I am in.
I am no way point fault at people at my church, I am just sharing my frustration and Shalee’s post and the sermon I listened to is God bringing forward things I would rather push back and not deal with. Can anyone relate to any of this? And Lord have mercy if you did read all this I pray the Lord will give you an extra dose of blessings. Thanks for letting me ramble.
COMMENT FROM SHALEE:
I would agree so whole heartedly on the lack of community comment. I don’t have many locationally close friends with whom I sit and talk, have coffee, let it all hang out. I love doing that, but making it happen with all the ins and outs of life is really difficult. What is even funnier about this whole thing is that I do have friends who I can call out of the blue and we will pick up on a conversation as if we were just talking about it 5 minutes ago… when really it was 2 months. It’s weird. Yet I would take that small, distant relationship over the superficial “How ya doing? Oh great, gotta go” relationship any day.
We too don’t fit into our “box” at church. We certainly belong in the young families class. We even moved up from young marrieds (which we joined because of the fellowship/realness offered when we moved here 6 years ago) thinking that others would join us since most of them aren’t young marrieds either. But we found in the young families that no one was willing to be real. We dug in and tried to chisel away at the rough walls around each of them. But after 2 years (2 YEARS!), we found that our holes were patched as quickly as we tried to make them. I began loathing bible class time and anger would swell up in me, and finally I felt despair and anxiety over going to class. Not good for church and my worship. So we moved back up to young marrieds and are mentors to them. Is it perfect? No. But I can attend class now anxiety and anger free, plus the they are more willing to open themselves up for a real relationship. And that is a blessing.
I wish, really wish deep down, that I had a bosom friend (other than Mr. Right) with whom I could share myself – a girl fiend or five who get me. I seem to find them, yet I cannot sustain them because life happens. She has a family; I have a family; I work on top of all other complications.
I don’t know why God has me walking in this barren desert, but he does. And if he has me here, it has to be for some purpose that he has devised for me later down the road. Maybe even to help some other desert-bound woman now to say that you’re not alone or in the future to help by saying, “Oh here, let me hug you because although you may think that no one cars or that you’re all alone, you’re not… and God is still good.”
I’m not giving up. I’m holding tight. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
Shalee
Yes I relate. Different age of children, differing circumstances but I struggle with the lack of community frequently. At almost 40 with toddlers our age-mates all have teens and don’t want to hang out with little ones. With DHs travel schedule it is difficult to build community during the week. And to top it all off, adult small group Bible Study isn’t even offerend (Sunday School for kids during worship, it’s a cultural thing). I resonated with Shalee when she said she wanted to evict loneliness. I’ll be praying for you as you seek community. Blessings.
I’ve started and deleted about 4 comments. What I really want to say is, “Me too.”
Me too.
Oh yes. Same here. May I say thast I suspect that that is why most of us have felt such a deep kinship–most of us are the quieter ones or the ones God has removed from situations at church (same here, currently without church though we still belong. It’s a long story but it mostly just God and His will and our waiting to see what He does next. Sigh.) I have had similar issues at church, though in ours it is a group of fellow homeschoolers that comes along side–the others are all too busy and don’t get the small group of us who homeschool. Even at that they are all too busy and we live on the opposite side of town (25 minutes in one direction–everyone else lives 25 minutes the other way from church.) It is hard but this too is just for a time–I have seen what it is like when He chooses to have us involved.
I miss my best friend, who has a new business and homeschools and is just way too busy because her husband also has a new business. I miss get togthers and deep conversations and I”I know how you feel” yet I know that right now I am to be relying on Him. Glad to know I am not alone.
I feel that even when you want to be involved and connect at church, it is often difficult.
I feel that church “groups” are overly compartmentalized and categoried too. This means that you have less choices of groups (if you feel you can only join a group of women your age, for example).
Much luck to you. Being very shy myself, I often feel the same way at church.
I’m an older woman who loves to be around younger ladies. I have been the only old lady in a couple young mom’s groups. I don’t know what to say here but just that I understand that this is a hard spot to be in. Praying you’ll be able to find a posse of your own and then that your posse would seek more lonely ones or shy ones to add to it…
http://happywonderer.wordpress.com/
I have in the past felt the same…check out some of my posts from two years ago and I think essentially I was saying the very thing you are saying here! God has changed allot of thing for me in two years and this is one of them but I began to desperately pray for “truth tellers”, people who would be my “real” friend not the fake stuff…I have enough of that in my life. The last two years God has been piecing the puzzle of this together in my life and just realized last week that God has surrounded me with real friends, age does not matter, some of my greatest friends are older ladies (some of it is because they are not so consumed with raising their children anymore so they focus more on their circle of influence plus they are more mature and they understand how important compassion and walking with someone during a difficult time because they have walked that road several times). I am raising teenagers too so I can say this, do not allot anyone to make you feel guilty about anything. Raising good moral teenagers in this day is one of the most difficult feats you will ever do….they are surrounded by influences that continually drag them down….things that were not prevalent 20 years ago is reaking havock with our children’s minds…all you can do is the best that you can do….God has to take it from there…..Wow this comment is going way longer than I expected so I will just say this…I am praying for you girl!
Blessings
Hey Lor-
You know, I think you’ve hit some important things on the head. I’m probably going to ramble here- I tend the “think better” by just talking out loud. SO, I give you all my insecurities. In black and white.
The church thing. That I totally get. We have moved around quite abit, and our struggle has always been to find a church that we fit into. Taught the Word, skipped the politics, etc. We’ve been successful- once. In Billings. Every other church we dealt with was impossible to fit into. There were groups that were not willing to be more than cordial so, we have started looking for a church that will give the kids what they need. And if we get something out of it, so be it. That can’t be right.
We attended one church in Prescott, every Sunday and Wednesday. We sat in the same place every week. Saw the same people. And, I kid you not, every single week in “meet and greet” we greeted the same people – by name- and they treated us like it was our first time there. Every week. And the Sunday School teachers did the same thing with our kids. For a year. The weird thing was the pastor spent that year talking about “how they were such a force in the community for God’s love”. Boasted about it, frankly.
Because of this and some other experiences, closer to what you’ve described, I have gone from being extremely outgoing and involved in volunteering to insecure and afraid to reach out. I hate to feel that I am the only one working at something- or that I’m a bother. And not worth anyone’s time.
Isn’t it amazing the love we Christian woman can spread around?
I know the one thing that will send me flying away fastest is the “prayer/gossip” aspect of women’s bible study. I wholly believe in prayer, support and encouragement/accountability.
However, where I have walked away is when the groups get involved in “We REALLY need to pray for so and so. Did you hear she ….” or “Dear Lord, We pray for so and so. As you know she and her family ….” and then spend 20 minutes “telling God” all that person’s faults. That’s power that no one should have.
Now, again. Like you, I know I have contributed to the problem. I think more by allowing someone to have this kind of power over me. I truly believe that we as females are raised to be nice, polite – in essence – “accept the blame, even when you’re not at fault. Take the high road”. And although I think in some situations that is needed, I believe in my heart that I’ve let that get so embedded in my soul that it does more damage than good.
I guess this epic is to say, you’re not alone. You’re not odd. I think it’s a statement about the current state of affairs in some churches, and the effect it’s having on believers. None of us is perfect. But, as a church body, we are called to a higher place of accountability,
forgiveness and fellowship. We are called to lift each other up.
I treasure you, L, and I hope you know that.
I’ll be praying for you. One of the reasons I left my old church was to find one that had a great youth program. I am very blessed to have found a church where I am nurtured and fed and my kids are excited to attend. I have not have time to connect with any groups or attend any retreats, but I do know a few of the moms from my kids elementary school.
I agree with Shalee that time is a large factor in my inability to form deep connections with other women. I do attend book club and get together with my friends every few months, however they are still fairly superficial relationships even after 12 years+.
In regards to your teenager… my 13 y.o. daughter has ADD. A large part of her struggles with it are in the area of impulsivity. God has helped me let go of much of the personal pride I feel when it comes to my kids. Her accomplishments or mistakes are not a reflection of me or my parenting. It has not been an easy or painless process, but God is carring me through it. When was the last time you ran into an old friend and in the course of catching up they shared about their kids poor grades, or getting into trouble at school instead of sports accomplishments or academic awards?
I know that I would much rather write in the annual Christmas letter how my daughter was chosen to be the one to represent her school at a state wide writers festival than how she made a mistake (impulsivity), did not admit to it and ended up suspended from school, twice. It is such a lonely place to be when you feel you cannot share your heart. I have been fortuate that so far when I put myself out there on my blog that I have received encouragement and support.
I think by the size of most of these comments that A LOT of people feel the same way! I agree with Heather, “May I say that I suspect that that is why most of us have felt such a deep kinship–most of us are the quieter ones or the ones God has removed from situations at church.”
I don’t fit in with most of the women my age (late 20s) because I find most of their activities and conversation to be very superficial (please don’t read that as “I think I’m never that way.” That’s not what I mean…) I tend to gravitate toward the older women who have a deep relationship with God and LOVE HIS WORD!!
My best friend “gets” me, but she lives in Alaska and so our relationship isn’t what it was when we lived and worked close to one another.
I’m struggling through this whole, “Where do I belong?” at church, also. I think with every new stage of life/parenting, there’s some re-evaluation that has to be done, and we don’t always fit into nice little boxes of same-age/same-life stage.
So, yes, I feel that way, too. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for being honest!!!
Oh Sweet Laurel~
My heart truly breaks for you!!! Being a former Pastor’s Wife, I TOTALLY understand and have experienced the pain you are feeling and facing.
Fast forward, 10 years removed from Pastoring, and we are currently in a church (from the sounds of it…perhaps we attend the same church??? jk
that sounds a LOT like yours.
Many…..MANY…are hurt…feeling along, and not connected…..and due to many devasting events in my dh and my life, God has been using us to minister to MANY in our body just like yourself.
I’m praying that God will speak, and move on the hearts of those in your church…that their eye’s will be opened…and that Christ’s true heart will be revealed.
You are NOT alone…and it truly breaks my heart….that so often…being a church member can be very lonely.
I heard a quote once….and sad to say it’s all to true…*often, church is the only place where we shoot our own wounded*!
I’m praying…..I really am…because my HEART is breaking for you!!!!!!!
Thanks for trusting us…your blog sisters…enough to share your heart!!!!
Wow. Look at the heartfelt responses this post has drawn, Laurel. It’s obvious to me that you don’t suffer this dilemma alone.
It makes me sad that people would feel isolated from their peers in church. Of all places. And it makes me sad for you that you can’t get close to moms of teenagers and moms you have things in common with.
It is encouraging that the older women are so warm and open with you. But I know that’s not filling the void for you.
I don’t have an answer. I wish I did. What a shame all the women who have responded here, telling you they’re going through the same thing, don’t live in your neighborhood. Imagine the get togethers you could have!
For the record, when I was your age and my girls were in their teens, I went through exactly the same thing. Lots of acquaintances but no heart friends other than my lifelong best friend, Peggy. And Jan, who is now hopelessly lost in alcohol. It doesn’t bother me so much now that I’m older but it bothered me a lot when I was in my 30′s and 40′s. Amazing how you can feel lonely in a crowd.
I hope you connect with a real heart friend (or two) soon. They have no idea what they’re missing by not bothering to get closer to you.
How sad it is when women at church form their own little cliques to the exclusion of women like you who have so much to offer. I’d be willing to bet they’re not even aware they’re doing it.
Oh Laurel, I think we have all felt the very same way at some time.
I understand what you man about being the parent’s of teens and not feeling like we have to be apologizing all the time for their actions. They are teens…learning their way in life. They will make mistakes just like we did.
I have found that those who like to make you feel inferior are usually the ones that have some serious issues of their own.
My husband and I moved four times in our first few years of marriage. It seemed that I would make a special friend, and then we would move away. On our last move I completely closed myself off for several years not wanting to go through the heartache again.
A few years later I read a really great Christian book call The Friendship of Women which helped me get out of my funk and back into the world.
Deep friendships take time and many of us who are raising our families don’t take the time we should to care and spend time with new friends. I know I have been guilty of this.
My husband and I started a small group in our home which helped us connect with other families that had similar interests. I found it very helpful and it blessed me enormously. Of course, I definitely had to step out of my confort zone to do this. Something I am very grateful God gave me the courage to do.
You have a great attitude and such a sweet and gentle God loving spirit. If we lived close I would love to be your prayer warrior friend.
I will be praying you find your direction and peace, and of course that very special girl friend that is close by to share all of our joys and corcerns with.
Blessings,
Julie
To bad we don’t live in the same state, I would love to be your special friend at church to pray with
Laurel, I feel so sad that you are experiencing this – and that so many others are as well. I don’t really have any answers and can only say I know it shouldn’t be this way. We were not meant to go it alone.
I’ve been sort of isolated too, just because my husband is home all day and we do things together. That has really limited my time to nurture friendships. But I do miss it.
I think if we can be blessed with one friend – one like you describe – we are so blessed. I do have a friend like that. We sometimes don’t even talk on the phone for weeks, but she is the one I call when I desperately need prayer or honest advice. We met in a small Bible Study group. That has really been my salvation. Our church is one of those “mega churches” so it is easy to get lost in the crowd. You have to find a little niche if you want to build any sort of relationships at all.
I know you don’t have a lot of time. Do you have just one free morning a week where you could attend a Bible Study? And I would just ask the Lord to bring a special friend into your life.
When we attended a small church (when we were first married) the Pastor’s wife used to have an occassional luncheon and invite women she thought would have things in common. It gave them a chance to meet new people and perhaps form new friendships. She was, and is, and extraordinary woman. She had a profound influence on my life.
Well, I’ve rambled on and not really helped I’m afraid. Perhaps the Lord will bring someone to mind and you can just be the one to initiate a friendship.
I hope our lives haven’t all gotten so busy we don’t have time for deep, meaningful relationships.
Our Pastor (ever practical) says if you just have one or two people you know you could call any time of the day or night – you are blessed. He used Jesus as an example – He had a small inner circle within the group of twelve (Peter, James and John); then He had the twelve – and then a wider circle of others.
I’m going to pray the Lord will send someone into your life who will enrich it with laughter and conversation and who will have the ability to always point you to Christ.
Sending you a huge hug across the miles.
My brand of loneliness is a bit different. I am at home 99.9% of the time because of Parker’s intense medical needs. Many days of that 99.9% is spent in the hospital, especially in the Peds ICU.
I wind up sleeping on couches on the third floor of the hospital as rooms in the Peds ICU don’t come with parent beds.
I have spent many, many days in the hospital feeling totally, utterly alone.
I feel cut off from ‘the real world.’ I spend a lot of time wondering what happened to all of the ‘friends’ I used to have. Would a phone call really be too much to ask for? I can’t tell you how many of my ‘friends’ pretty much just walked straight out of my life once they found out that Parker was born with an extra chromosome and many, many health issues.
I think real friends, true friends are few and far between. My definition of friendship has changed drastically since Parker was born.
When I first started reading this post I thought “I cannot believe this!” While cleaning my living room yesterday, I was having similar thoughts about my friends and church situations and thought, “I can’t possibly blog about this” Why not? Is it the fear of “what is wrong with me?” I don’t know.
I don’t really have anything to add, because I believe everyone has practically touched on EVERYTHING!
Amazing how we are so connected to each other, but so far apart, huh?
Wow, you really hit a hot button, Laurel! I’ve noticed I always get a huge response for my posts on relationships as well. As many have said, I think our relationships are a casualty of our frenetic society and the busyness that abounds.
Is it possible we are expecting too much from our hour at church? Is it possible to establish deep connections in such little time each week? I think it is essential to meet with people on a smaller scale OUTSIDE of church. I have found this helps people skip the pleasantries when they see each other at worship and gives them something to ask about (How is your son feeling? Did your day go better at work?, etc.) It seems critical to me to carve out this extra time (weekly, if possible) for us to feel connected. I agree wholeheartedly with Linda who suggests you find a weekly Bible study group.
I love you and I love your honesty. :0) I SO get this and my hubby & I have felt it ever since we married. We also get along with older people. It can be disheartening at times. I find there are times we try to get engaged in things but the doors close and other times we can’t due to schedules, etc. It is a sad reality when so many comments echo the same thing. Everyone needs friends and it hurts to know that quality friendships are few and far between these days.
I somehow stumbled onto this post tonight, I understand your struggles. I have teenagers too, and then Izzy. I have wonderful friends who live in other towns and states, but not really any at church right now. We just actually changed churches after a lifetime at one particular church. Our faith has changed so much in the last few years that we no longer fit there. I am hoping and praying God connects me with some or even one woman in my age group that I can relate to. I noticed you were quick to say that it was probably your fault. I think part of it is just putting yourself out there and being involved. Although so far my attempts at this have brought me closer to the older ladies at this church. Don’t get me wrong, I love the older group and think there is much to learn from them… but it is nice to have someone to relate to as well. I’m not sure where I’m going with this comment or even if I should hit the publish button, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your search and loneliness and that I will pray that it all works out.
blessings~
annie
(mylifeasannie)
I must delurk long enough to say,
THANK YOU
this post has touched me deeply at just the right time.
Laurel,
I can understand how you are feeling. We have been attending our church (where we are now) for 7 or 8 years and we have loved it! But last year about this time, some family things kind of spilled over into church and it’s becoming increasingly difficult…for my husband especially…to remain active during this. It has nothing to do with the church itself, but with his family more than anything. I don’t really know which direction to turn for guidance without making the situation worse or causing a big “blow up” which no one needs.
This is probably completely off topic and no help to you whatsoever,but I felt the need to vent my heart.
I pray that you get some peace on this soon, and that the Lord will bless your socks off for your patience and perseverance (sp?)!
I’m glad you wrote this today… thanks.
Laurel,
I am so suprised to read how everyone feels they don’t fit into church. I have felt like that for years but thought it was because I was mismatched and went to church alone.
Wow, the spirit is opening my eyes to this undertone of the church body. I must pray about it.
On a personal note. Thank you for sharing your heart and starting this conversation. There is something big about all of this. I am yet to understand it.
Love you so much, me
O.k. So we’re not the only ones. We’ve been through a half-dozen churches in a decade looking for our friends.
Two things became clear to us:
(1) God was giving us that deep need for fellowship because He was calling us to fill it. We’re the ones who ought to be hosting the small groups, or making the dinner invitations.
(2) Sometimes, He uses the icy reception of some churches to keep us moving to the place He wants us (which may or may not be where we think we want to be).
One question I would ask is: have you asked God? (James 4) With right motives? Have you asked God for friends and been contented with the ones He sent you–or didn’t send? No matter their age?
I see that this is an old post, and that your time at the beach over the weekend helped, so I’m glad.
I think lack of community is a curse on our generation orchestrated by satan himself. The pace of life is maddening! It is no wonder blog relationships are so much easier to maintain – we can spill our guts without fear of in your face rejection and do it at our own convenience.
I used to ask the Lord to give me someone to be my mentor – or even a friend who would take a real interest in me and encourage me in the things I love. What I have discovered instead is the concept of Joseph sharing his dreams…Most of the time people really don’t want to hear it. What He has shown me instead is to share my dreams with Him without withholding my heart from my friends…Does that make sense?
Well I am rambling too but the thing that occurs to me is that friendship has to be more intentional in our day than in any other time past. Question is, do we have any left over energy to put into it? Satan will tell us no – BUT – what we are missing is the energy we’d receive from one another if we would make the effort to try. And I am totally talking to myself here.
Okay, I have to go repent now…I am majorly convicted over what a terrible friend I am!
Just found this post, my friend, and wanted to echo what you’ve so eloquently shared. I’ve rarely felt like I ‘fit in’ at church. My closest relationships have been with older women who mentored me in the faith, those who were serious about growing in Christ. Even now, the loneliness is sometimes unbearable, but the Lord seems to call us to these ‘seasons’ to do a work in our heart, and to rely on Him. Elisabeth Eliot speaks of loneliness as a gift – but I’ve not always received it well.
I could keep going, but just know that I’ll be praying for the both of us this next little while. THanks for sharing yourself so sweetly upon these pages.
Blessings,
Vicki