Lori's Reflections | Come, Grow and Go » Family

Regrets of Motherhood

Lori — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:50:20 +0000

A few days ago while looking for some photos I found myself sitting inside my closest crying. With my oldest son turning 16 I find I am becoming more contemplative. As a mother you always wonder, did I do enough? Have I given my children the foundation they need when they are adults, did I enjoy every moment of their childhood? And when I caught a picture of myself in one of those photos I had to honestly say…no.

Regret is a pit Satan would love for me to fall into, it is a pit I could make a pillow and stay for a long time. It is only through Jesus Christ and his unconditional love that I refuse to let myself fall into the pit of regret. But this one night, while sitting on the floor of my closet, I allowed my big toe to temporarily dip into that pit of regret. I share these thoughts in case there is a mother out there with young children who is just trying to survive.

You are not alone.

When I saw that photo of myself with my young toddler, I saw a Mom who was fighting to just survive. One thing blogging has brought to the forefront for many women is the insecurity I was/am not a “good enough” Mom. I did not take a photo of every milestone or journal every good deed. Fortunately I had a mother-in-law who loved to take a lot of photos, that is why I have them today. Instead I was a mother with two babies 18 months apart, with no family support around me, just trying to survive.

I lived the first 6 years of my two oldest boys lives tired. I was always worn out, worn down, and living from one moment to another. Now don’t misunderstand me there were great moments in between. My favorite time of the day was when they woke up from their afternoon nap. I loved the cuddling time I had with them there. No matter what kind of morning we had, we had that moment of tenderness.

There were good times, but there were also times that I look back and realize I was living moment to moment, trial to trial, just trying to keep my head above water. That is what I saw in the photo I was looking at.

Would I change anything? No. God knew I needed to be away from my family to rely totally on Him, God knew to give me children who were a bit challenging, so my knees would hit the floor daily before Him, God knew to develop some of the inner strength I have today I needed that time to grow.

But I sure wish I was a Mom who journaled and marveled at every little thing my child did, instead I was a Mom who hit her feet running at 7am and collapsed into bed by 9pm after raising two very active little boys. I believe my personal blessing was my third child, he was and is my easiest child to raise, and I have stopped to savor every moment since the day he was born.

But I would not trade the lessons I have learned from my two oldest.

If you are a Mom who feels less than adequate and you seem to live your days just trying to survive, I want to let you know you are not alone. Mom was right, life does slow down, and you will miss every stage. Now that my boys are teenagers, becoming little men with their own thoughts and opinions I have found life does change. I am not living to survive anymore, I am trying to grasp every moment, even the bad ones knowing they will be gone before I blink.

I won’t say that having them as teenagers is easier, but it is a lot different than the toddler days.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was like some of the mothers I read about throughout blogging world, I wish I had captured more memories, and I did not live my life trying to survive. I wish I had more support around me when they were younger, I wish I documented things more, I wish I did not take some things for granted at the time. And as I said before, regret is a pit Satan would love for me to fall into, it is a pit I could just make a pillow and stay for a long time.

Instead I look back and I am thankful for the survival instinct the Lord has developed in me, I am thankful for the hard lessons that were taught, I am thankful that I know I can lean fully on him when others are not around, and I know without a doubt He is faithful.

I am also thankful that despite my failings the Lord has developed my sons into people I am very proud of. And both God and I know, it was not because of my stellar mothering skills.

If you are a struggling Mom please know there is light at the end of the tunnel and God guides you every step of the way. Don’t compare yourself with other Moms or you too will find that pit of regret Satan likes to trap us in. Most importantly hang on to the truth GOD IS FAITHFUL and will see you through.

Now I will buckle up to see what the Lord has to teach me through kids driving, dating, going to college, moving away, etc… I fear I still have a lot to learn. Like how to slowly begin to let go.

In my BlogFrog Community I ask: What are some of the struggles you struggle with as a Mother or did struggle with?

It Begins Gradually

Lori — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 17:56:29 +0000

No more kisses goodbye in the car.

No more tucking them into bed each night.

These are the little changes that occur while your child is growing up before your eyes. If you are like me and seem to be going in many different directions, these are the things you may not notice until one day you look up and they are grown. Mom use to tell me she always placed my brothers hand in her hand to compare the size, until one day she looked down to notice my brother’s hand was bigger. She looked down one day to man hands. Now it is my brother’s hands that consume my Mom’s hands.

Today I noticed.

I noticed this week when he jumped out of the car each morning to go to school it is now “bye Mom.” Before, he leaned over and gave me a kiss each day.

I noticed he is big enough to put himself to bed. I use to always go tuck him in and say prayers, but lately he kisses me good night, tells me he loves me, and the next thing I know he is in bed with the lights out.

I dream about the kind of men my boys will one day become. I dream and pray for their future wives. Watching them grow up and mature is exciting.

But today as he jumped out of the car I saw my little boy leap into becoming a teenager.

Authenticity and Simplicity

Lori — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:55:43 +0000

Those are the two words that were laid on my heart for 2010. When I do something I give whatever it is my whole heart. Kind of like when I was in 3rd grade and fell in love, then when that sweet boy did not like me the same way I was crushed….because I had given him my whole heart.

I tend to dive into whatever is the “new” thing; I guess I like learning new things and figuring things out. This is something I discovered about myself in 2009.

When I began digital scrapbooking, I was on several creative teams, I wanted to learn how to do awesome layouts, etc. I devoted a lot of time learning this new trade. I am glad I did, but now I don’t do it as much.

Then I got a new camera and I dove in learning f-stop, ISO, aperture, etc. I am so glad I learned these and I still love to take pictures, but I am not doing it as much.

Last year I dove into studying God’s word, I was faithful in quiet times, I was doing all the right things. I sure had some spiritual highs last year where God used me and blessed me by leading people into my life that I never imagined I would meet. Then November and December hit and I crashed spiritually. It was gradual, but God said “you are in time out and you are to stay put for now.” So I did what any warm-blooded girl would do, I threw a fit, pouted, and claimed how unfair He was being to me. Well God being God knew I had “junk” to work through before I could go forward.

So right now I am dealing with this “junk” and I think God has only begun teaching me, but right now I am in a good place.

Why do I share all this?

Because authenticity and simplicity are my goals this year. Authenticity in sharing where I am and the struggles I am going through. Simplicity will mean blogging may be once a week or several times a week. I am going to let God lead. One passion remains (after studying God’s word) and that is book reviewing.

This year is hitting me, I turn 40 this year, I have a son that only has two years left of high school and I feel like I live my days in count down mode. I honestly worry that I won’t handle him moving out well (but I know so many other parents have lived through it and I will to). It will be God that is going to get me through that.

So what have I been doing?

Well if you follow me on Facebook, you know I have been living my life around the basketball court. I have three boys on three different teams and my husband is the coach for the high school freshman. I have been living, breathing, and spending a lot of gas money traveling to basketball games. My wonderful Facebook friends have reminded me I will miss these days and I know that is true, but some nights I just drop from going all day.

I don’t make resolutions but one thing I did promise my hubby was that I would do better in using coupons. I HATE spending the time cutting coupons. BUT as I said before, once I begin something I give it my full heart, so I have been the coupon Queen here. I was so proud when I went to the grocery story and my receipt said I saved $50 in using coupons. It is like this wonderful savings “high.” Ha!

Another thing I decided to try this year is E-mealz. I am a big Dave Ramsey fan and I have listened to him talk about E-mealz so I finally decided to try it. We are a picky family, but I have to say so far it has helped me in planning meals and helped me save money each week. Click on the picture below if you want to find out more about it. Anyways it has worked for us.

Then whatever free time I do have, I am helping Noelle over at CWA. Did you know that CWA is open to everyone? It has levels of membership with the basic membership free (which includes almost everything, except hosting your own webinar). But for free you can watch the other hosts and their great webinars. Seriously you should join, I am blown away by the great ladies we have over there. Or listen to CWA’s Blog Talk Radio show that is on each day. All the information can be seen by clicking the button below.

Well that is what I have been up to. Have you made any changes this year? What has been keeping you busy?

Lori's Reflections | Come, Grow and Go » Family

Regrets of Motherhood

You May Also Enjoy:

It Begins Gradually

You May Also Enjoy:

Authenticity and Simplicity

You May Also Enjoy: