It is not very often that I overlap what I am doing on my book review site here on my personal site. But this is a topic that I believe touches more men and women than what is believed.
Jena Morrow penned a powerful story of the dark side of her struggle with anorexia. Jena’s story is not uncommon, women living in the United States are raised to struggle against weight and live up to that proverbial perfect shape. ( you can read the rest of the review over there ).
What I want to share (want is not the right word because honestly I don’t ‘want’ to) everything inside me says to keep quiet, but I believe the Lord wants me to put words to the struggle I went through. I believe my story is not unusual, in fact many of you might see your self in this story. And in NO WAY does my story compare to the struggle Jena Morrow went through, what I am pointing out is that this problem is so prevalent that even women you would never image struggling with eating disorders..do.
Fat is bad. Fat is ugly. You don’t want to ever be fat. That is what I was taught indirectly while growing up. I learned this through friends, through society, and through other peoples low self image around me. Mind you my parents always told me I was beautiful and affirmation is my love language, but what was said and what my brain heard were—sometimes still are—two different things.
For example:
“Have you lost weight? You look great!” is what was said, I heard “Wow the more you lose the weight the better you are.” Because I loved the affirmation, I wanted to continue to do what was needed to be complimented.
It was not anyone’s fault that my head did not hear what was said, it was sin I allowed to control me in my life.
Anyone who has known me for over 10 years knows I have been every weight on the scale. I have been heavy and I have starved myself until I was very skinny. My weight was something I felt I could control when things in my life were out of control. When I gave up on life I became heavy and did not care. But during those times I would tell myself repeatedly how fat/ugly/undesirable etc… I was. Then I would swing towards the opposite spectrum and begin to lose weight, I would receive affirmation and would continue to do what was necessary to lose the weight.
God planted the right man in my life. From the first day my husband and I began dating his nickname for me was “beautiful.” Still is today, but that nickname I believe saved me from myself. I know many women today would die to have a nickname like that from their husband, but I believe it was a blessing from God to have a constant reminder when my mind was betraying me. But it took YEARS for me to believe my husband. Took YEARS for my mind to believe the words he said. Every time he said it I would push him away and make a joke.
Despite having the perfect husband for me, I still struggled with weight. It became more of a battleground of the mind then what the scale said. At times of my life I would mark every calorie I ate, I would measure every piece of food..it became an obsession. Because you see I was not “naturally” skinny, I had to work at the pounds I would lose.
It was not until several years ago I laid with my face on the floor begging God to take the idol from me. I knew that food had become my idol, I knew I spent more time concerned with what I ate and how many calories I consumed than learning about what God said. I was to concerned about what people would think of me. My greatest fear in life was someone calling me fat.
One book that helped me begin this journey was Angela Thomas book Do You Think I am Beautiful. I remember bawling my eyes out even reading the first chapter. God was peeling back some of the blinders I had over my eyes.
I am lucky, I was able to battle what was going on in mind with scripture and bible study. But for so many women they need to go to counseling and they SHOULD.
Just as Jena ended her book saying that she is never completely healed, it will always be an ongoing battle. The same is for me. I feel free from the obsession I had many years ago, but I also have found things happen that trigger these unhealthy thoughts.
A few weeks ago, a woman I adore asked me out the blue, “You use to be heavy, how did you lose your weight?” Seems like an innocent enough question, except my mind immediate traveled to Wow I wonder if I need to lose some weight, I really should not eat today. If only she knew it was an unhealthy obsession that led to me losing a lot of weight. Just in the snap of the fingers I found myself battling thoughts for the rest of the day until I could put these thoughts under God’s control.
It is not a battle today like it was, I still struggle with thoughts in my head, but I have trained my brain to compare these thoughts to what God says about me.
Like I said earlier my story is not unusual, I know there are many women who can relate but do not speak up. Everything in me did not want to speak up because now I am shinning a light into a dark place in my heart. One I like to keep secret and have control of, it is like an old friend.
“Do you really love me? means, Will you accept me in process? Will you embrace what is different about me and applaud my efforts to become? Can I just be human—strong an vibrant some days, weak and frail on others?…Will you love me even when I disappoint you?…”
— Angela Thomas (Do You Think I’m Beautiful? The Question Every Woman Asks)
THE ANSWER IS YES God loves you and accepts YOU.
Instead today I am exercising and not worrying about what I eat (within reason). Could I stand to lose a few pounds now, sure! But I know I have to turn that over to the Lord and ask for his help because if I do it on my own, it will be all I think about and concentrate on. Instead I chose to concentrate on the fact that my husband calls me beautiful and more importantly God calls me beautiful.
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If you or anyone you know struggles with any sort of eating disability or struggles with low self-image get Jena Morrow’s book Hollow.
As one reviewer on Amazon.com states:
For anyone who has felt less than worthy – you will find yourself in this book.
For anyone who has struggled with self-image – you will relate to this book.
For anyone who has completed a 12-step program – You know the roller coaster of recovery you will find in this book.
For anyone who has had a friend or loved one who has struggled with a food disorder – you must read this book.
